My massage therapist had thought it was time to add in a chiropractor or physiotherapy, as nothing had changed with my body. I talked it over with my family doctor and she explained that what I was experiencing was probably a ligament issue and that it could take up to a year to heal, but if I wanted to try a chiropractor or physiotherapist it was okay to do.
I had never been to a chiropractor before and was really nervous about it. My massage therapist reassured me that this practitioner had a gentle approach and could be a good fit, so I booked the appointment. The day came and I was all clammy and my heart was beating fast trying out something I've never done before. I had to fill out another intake form, as I had already done one with my massage therapist. They have these body diagrams that you have to put "x's" all over the areas that you are having issues with. My diagram is always filled in from head to toe, lit up like a Christmas tree. He looked at it and was like "Wow, tell me a bit more about this." Which is where I had to re-live my accident and miscarriage over, yet again. He did a brunt test, where they beat you up a little to see how your body responds and where the pain is coming from, always stirring up the pain even more for the next couple of days. The chiropractor was so compassionate with me and put me at ease. After his assessment he said that I'd need about 10 treatments and felt that it was a good fit to do his treatments along with massage. I felt so relieved that he had seen these issues before and knew what to do. The count down was on to getting my life back to normal and I couldn't wait!
I had two chiropractor appointments a week, along with massage. I followed all of the recommendations and had bits of relief, but I wasn't getting better. The 10 treatments were now up and I still wasn't doing much better and so we had to extend the treatment timeline. I remember breaking down in tears one day in his office, telling him that I just didn't understand why my body was in so much pain from what seemed like a minor accident. He explained that there are many studies showing that low impact vehicle accidents, usually have the most injuries because your vehicle doesn't take the brunt of the accident, your body does. He went into physics about how the way you are holding the steering wheel, to where your head is positioned, to even the position of where the vehicle got hit, all plays a big role into your injury. Even after the extended treatments, my body was still not responding and so I got brave and decided to ask straight out to the chiropractor if he felt my body was on track with where he thought it should be at. He slumped back in his chair and sighed, " Well, it walked like a dog and looked like a dog but its actually a skunk. I'm so sorry, I thought I knew what was going on but I think it's time you added physiotherapy to this now." I was taken back a bit and felt really discouraged and disappointed, but if physiotherapy could get me my life back, then that's the next step I'm going to take!
I booked an appointment with a physiotherapist that I had worked with many years before. And again another intake form to fill out, reliving the accident and miscarriage over again. She did her assessment and said that she felt that it would be a good thing to continue with chiropractor work when my low back/pelvis area felt stuck. I was a little thrown off when she handed me a psych evaluation and this was the first time it occurred to me that people may think this was in my head. She found that my neck rotation was all off, along with pelvis, back issues and so we worked together on this two times a week, along with chiropractor work here and there and regular massage. I had to have regular doctor appointments for my doctor to record every detail to document everything for the car insurance company, which was a lot for a girl that barely had gone to the doctors before. If I couldn't get in to see my family doctor, I would have to see an on call doctor to write notes to explain that I needed continued treatments, as the car insurance company only approved me for a certain amount of treatment appointments and then I would run out, I would have to go back and get doctor's notes stating that I needed more. This was really hard especially when I am in the middle of full time treatments and then not able to see my family doctor and having to explain my situation to a fill in doctor, and they would be noticeably annoyed with me, which made me feel even worse.
When I explained to my doctor about the psych evaluation, she looked me in the eyes and told me " I believe you and want you to know that I am on your team. We will figure this out." Those words were a weight lifted and what my heart desperately needed to hear. It put me at ease knowing that she believed me but it brought those insecure feelings up, wondering what other people were thinking of me.
Throughout this time some friends and I decided to get together and do a Bible study, which was life giving. We had done a study from Ann Voskamp and part of the homework was writing down everyday something that you are grateful for, I still look at my list and add to it. This one evening at study, me and one my friends were discussing what was going on with my body and I'll never forget what she said. I fully believed that God was going to heal me because I knew that He wouldn't want me to suffer and this wasn't what He would want for my life, that it would only be a matter of time and I'd be back to my normal self. My friend looked at me and said, " But what if this is what God has for you? What if this is His plan for you? What are you going to do if you don't get better?" Those words shook me and I quickly replied with, " I don't believe that my God would allow this or want this for me." I went home and couldn't shake the conversation and talked it over with my husband. "How could she say something like that to me? I'm going to get better right?"
The summer prior to my car accident, I had spent many hours dreaming up my homeschool year that I was going to do with my daughter. She was going to be in kindergarten and I was over the moon excited to live out my Pinterest dreams with her. That all came crashing down when all of this hit. I was now full time treatments running from physio, to chiro, to massage, in intense daily pain, and not sleeping well. I made the bare minimum requirements for her and it made me feel like a failure. It was another thing that was so disappointing and discouraging. Along with that, my regular mom and wife duties were impossible for me to carry out. My husband would come home to a complete disaster of a home, and no dinner made. It took a toll on our marriage as he had to work very long days at work and then pick up all of the pieces when he got home. We lived off of fried egg sandwiches for what felt like an eternity because that was all that he felt he could confidently and quickly make. It was the hardest thing for me to watch his face as he would walk through the front door, trying to hold in his frustration with the situation we were in and I felt so guilty for it, that I was incapable of doing the easiest of tasks.
At one of my physio appointments my physiotherapist showed me the "shot gun" method to put my pelvis back into place, as it constantly felt like it shifted out of place. It was a forceful way of getting the joint back into alignment and usually as it would go back, there would be an audible crack noise which then came with this radiating pain that would spread through my pelvis and sometimes into my leg. I needed someone to hold my legs as I resisted against them and so I would recruit either my dad or husband to help. I had to do this maneuver every day, multiple times a day because my pelvis didn't hold and when the radiating pain wouldn't settle, I'd know that it didn't fully go in and so off to the chiropractor to help finish the job fully. We did traction treatments where they put this weight and strap connected to my head to help lengthen and stretch my neck, loads of slow neck movements and exercises, ultrasound treatments, tens machine, acupuncture, and lots of core work. I had to buy this foam ramp to do these certain targeted exercises for my neck and also a stability belt to help hold my pelvis into place. The stability belt was helpful but I felt really self conscious wearing it because it literally squeezed every piece of chub into this visible plumped up roll around my lower stomach area. My physiotherapist used to look at me and say, "Ugh, your shoulders aren't supposed to be up where your ears are." The intense fiery burning pain, along with the awful ongoing headaches were an added thing to deal with on a daily basis.
Me and my sisters decided to plan a sister's trip to Victoria."What do you think, do you think I'll be back to normal by then?" I asked my physiotherapist. " Oh absolutely, you should be feeling way better even before then." Such great news that I needed! It was a goal that I had my sights on and I could taste the freedom of my body being back to it's usual self, I'd just have to hold on for a few more months and I'd have it in the bag. The weeks were flying by and I was still struggling, so my physiotherapist felt it was time to take pain meds and then get me to do regular life stuff that I was having difficulty with, to help get my brain and body to connect and push through the pain that everyday life stuff was so difficult to do. I ran it by my family doctor and she agreed with this approach. Up until this point, I had refused pain meds because I felt like these alarm bells were going off in my body for a reason and I thought that if I held on a little longer it might help point to the problem but now I had to take this step. I felt so defeated taking these drugs but thought that if this was the ticket to my freedom, than sign me up!
The time came for my sisters trip and I was still not better but I went on this trip anyways with a bottle of pain meds in hand. I wanted to do these normal fun things and pushed myself through them because I didn't want to be the debbie downer and again have my body dictate what I could and couldn't do. I felt like I kept up for the most part with my sisters but I popped so many pain meds to help carry me through that trip.
Throughout this time, I tried to keep most of my whims and woes to myself because I thought it was short term and didn't want it to be a constant "thing" that overpowered conversation. A lot of people in my life didn't know the full extent of what I dealt with on a 24/7 basis. I thought that maybe God was trying to show me something or even maybe that I had done something in my life that I was being punished for. I struggled in my faith and would often be on the phone to my mom crying my eyes out, trying to understand why I wasn't healed yet. I wrestled with my faith thinking " Do I believe what I say, that I believe?" It's easy thing for people to throw out to just trust God, but to fully put that into practice when you are in the midst of real hardship is really difficult. My oldest daughter came up to me one day and tearfully asked "Mom, I don't understand, I have prayed and prayed for your healing and you're not healed yet? How come God hasn't healed you?" This is something that I struggled really hard to understand too and I wasn't sure how to answer but thought honesty would be the best way to approach this. "I know sweetie, I have prayed and prayed too and I don't understand it, but even still we know that He is good. Let's think of some prayers that He has answered us about."
My first born was at the age of learning to ride a two wheeler bike but my physiotherapist said that there was noway my body could handle help steadying the bike for her or help in any way. I wasn't able to lift more than 10 pounds and my teething toddler that so desperately wanted her momma to pack her around to comfort her was a big no no. This all gutted me, such a monumental moment helping out your child learn to ride their first big girl bike and again the guilt hit. Having your toddler follow you around the house, with their arms pointed up and longingly wanting you to hold them, but can't, felt cruel and unbearable to handle, and again guilt.To this very day, the grief of me unable to carry her around still rips through her and she still gets upset and cries about it. This also bled into a lot of normal, regular life things that people do with their kids like taking them to the park. I couldn't do a lot of things on my own because of my limitations, or risk the chance of the girls getting hurt because I was barely able to take care of myself, and so we just didn't do a lot of things. We got invited out on numerous lake dates with a friend and it killed me to constantly tell her that we couldn't make it.
There was a whole list of do's and don't's, which are still in effect even now. I have to stand a certain way and not shift my weight to one side at all, I can't sit with my legs dangling (as I am petite, this happens ALL the time) so I had to carry around a little box to rest my feet on if I was sitting in a chair that was too high for me as the weight of my legs dangling was too hard on my back, I can't sit with my legs crossed but spread wide apart as this is too stressing for my back ( so I have to get creative when trying to wear dresses and usually wear pants under them), I can't raise my hands over my head as my back can't handle it so hair updo's are out of the question as it is just too much on my back. When needing to brush my teeth and looking down to spit in the sink, I have to brace myself in a certain way with my legs turned against the cupboard in a particular manner to handle as the weight from my neck and the motion is too hard on my back and neck. I was told when putting on and off my shoes that I can't stand on one leg. To do so, I have to sit as that move is also too hard, and the same goes with putting on and off my clothes. I sometimes cheat and do this anyways but it just compounds and adds to the pain. As time has gone on, the list has gotten a lot longer.
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